I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
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