I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Randomize
