Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
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