I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
Randomize
