have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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