Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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