It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
someone owes me an orgasm
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
