literally had 100 drinks last night.
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Randomize
