Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Randomize
