he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
