please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
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