my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
i hate that site..its like every vagina you dont wanna see
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
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