do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Randomize
