No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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