He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
