You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
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