remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
