in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
How external is "for external use only"?
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
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