I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
