I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
