the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
