she looked like the bat from fern gully.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
