I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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