In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
