the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
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