have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Randomize
