My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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