Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Everything about him screamed your future.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
