Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
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