Just did shrooms. Don't feel shit! Wsasted 40 bucks on this! Nothing's happenig except for this little gnome on my shoulder and the couch is melting. Fuckin waste of money.
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
