I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
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