My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
