if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
I wear drunk well.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
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