What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
