I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
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