U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Randomize
