My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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