i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
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