I hate your face
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
