i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
