You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
She told me I should be a condom model.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
Randomize
