Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
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