Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
