You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
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