It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
