i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
it was like having sex with a tree stump
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
