Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Randomize
