Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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