today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
