my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Terrible idea I love it
i think i just lost a toe
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
