both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
