Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
